Each day, loss announces itself through shameless novelties – the empty end of the couch, a small spoon untouched. Like a deep bruise, reminders of her jolt me when I bump against them. I suspect they always will. The blender whir is no longer a prelude to pureed meals and without the bathing chair the tub seems empty. There have been subtle changes too, like a slight shift in temperature or the absence of a background hum I’d only vaguely been aware of.
Nostalgia pulls me into yesterday as I watch used-to-be happy home movies. Anxiety pushes me hard into tomorrow too, and I miss would-have-been happy kindergarten registrations. It feels as if we're living forward and backward at the same time, excavating details from the past while trying to figure out what to do next, while trying to think clearly at all. I'm paralyzed by simple decisions, confused with easy directions, forgetful of important details. And I can't stop thinking about every horrible (albeit unlikely) thing that could happen to the boys. All this with the very solid realization that when I feel like I might collapse from the pressure of one day, it’s not wise to add the heft of tomorrow’s worry. And yet, I do.
JEB
Might a frozen Latino drink with some friends help?
ReplyDeleteJenni Baby,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your words, I "hear" your voice...beautiful!
I love you,
Dad
P.S. What gene pool produced those "long ass" toes?
Just curious.
It is normal. Absolutely, totally, completely normal given the circumstances. In my thoughts today and everyday.
ReplyDeleteYes. You sound completely, utterly normal to me, too. I wish it was another kind of normal - the kind where life actually *feels* normal and not like...this.
ReplyDeleteI think of Celia so many times each day. Every time I do, I multiply it by a number that hasn't been invented yet. I know - that's how many times you're remembering.
And I am so sad about your man's (family's) best friend. It seems like the lowest blow, to come now.
Here and wishing for things that can't be had. How much more, you.
xoxo,
Cathy in Missouri
Praying for:
ReplyDeletegrace to meet you at every jolt, strength for every decision,
and for clarity to become your companion...
Janna Shelton
Thank you so much for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings with the world. Your courage is inspiring and remembrance me that even though things can be hard, life goes on and so must I. And there is still beauty in that, as you remind us often. I wish there was some way to fix it for you- know that we love you and are always thinking of you all and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs,
Cate, Zoey and Junior
Sometimes I think I need to see the doctor because of my lack of memory or ability to focus on anything for very long. I hope it gets better with time. I hope the adage, "time heals all wounds," is true. Sending love and hope your way.
ReplyDeleteI just finished "Night Road" by Kristin Hannah. In it, a mother loses her teenage daughter and loses herself. I kept thinking of you...not because you're losing yourself but because you're still IN it. You're loving the boys, you're breathing, you're trying. I am proud of you and always, always thinking of you and Andy and hoping you heal...even just a little.
ReplyDelete