Already

Tollie is already one month old.

He stretches and snuggles and coos and smiles.
He sleeps, sometimes.
He eats and grows.
He spits up.
He rolls over.
He squirms out of swaddles and pushes out the pacifier.
He cries and poops.

He fits right in here.
It's astounding, really, how something so little, relatively speaking, can already occupy such a big space in our hearts.
JEB

Christmas Past

Christmas Present

It's fair to say there are moments of being overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by how much we take on, give out, let in, heightened by the busy holiday season.
But then, just then - a minute before utter panic sets in - a moment like this one occurs.  A sliver of peace, a clear sign of love, the strong feeling of family.  Stress is quieted and doubt is overshadowed by the reminder that time we spend together is the gift.

May it be yours, too.
JEB

Ice cream

I do kind of want to scream.

Maybe he's hungry.  Or tired.  Or just two, my head registers.
Throw in the terror of losing love, the anxiety aroused by competition, the disturbing shape of envy.  He's hungry and tired and jealous and two.  
Maybe I've ruined him another voice whispers, the stupid part of my brain, the part that ponders words like severe, irrevocable damage.
We gave him a brother, I tell myself.  And I let the rest melt away.
JEB

Santa Baby

Yule not be sorry

It’s one thing to live your life, and it’s another thing to make it matter.  For many (if not most) of us, the former is often all we can manage.  But she reminds us to do both.

Being involved in advocacy, in raising funds and awareness, gives us a sense of purpose.  And knowing that so many of you want to help - in whatever ways you are able - means so much to us.
It is hard not to absorb some of your passion, and impossible not to aspire to some level of her strength.  So we're asking, again, that you consider giving something that means something, something that gives more, something that really matters.
BDSRA has $43,000 in dollar-for-dollar matching fund grants through December 31st.  Can you give in the name of someone on your list this holiday season?

For Tuck's Sake

Tucker is irrefutably cute.  But there are things about him that may not be so obvious, that can't be captured in photographs.  During this time of transition for our family he has seemed particularly fragile, crying when his brother cries, apologizing profusely when he's afraid he may have disappointed us.  He goes from lacing Christmas tree patterns to tearing the paper, from assembling floor puzzles to throwing the pieces.
In the space of a second his face morphs from calm complacency to impervious belligerence.  And then, after fireworks flash from his eyes, those same dark brown orbs seem to whisper I love you, and I hope he knows that whatever our eyes say, our hearts are always whispering the very same thing.

Tuck has such a vibrant spirit, it seems perfectly natural that it's exhibited not only in sweet, gentle gestures but also in the occasional colorful outburst.  His attempts to adjust have not manifested as hostility toward Tollie; instead he has new default settings - yelling and whining, tearing and throwing.  It's certainly common for an older sibling to feel jealousy toward a newborn and to react to the upheaval, to the feelings of displacement, by acting out. 
Really though, Tuck's fondness for Tollie seems as primary as his resentment.  He is interested in and affectionate toward the baby, and he takes delight in helping care for his new brother.  It is very clear to us that genuine love resides alongside rivalry.  Tucker still needs to know where everyone is - Celie is on her couch, Tollie is in his "basement crib," Colby is at RoRo's...
And I see it in his eyes again, the very same I love you, when he looks at his new sibling.  Perhaps the skepticism will go away, perhaps the yelling and whining will too, but I sure hope the tenderness, the protectiveness, never does.  For Tollie's sake, and for Tuck's too.
JEB