It happened last night at the library. We'd gone to sit on the lawn and listen to The Apple Bottom Gang. While the sun sank slowly behind the stage, Tucker danced and Tolliver pulled up at my knees. The lady behind us said she'd like to take Tollie home. Even after I mentioned he still doesn't sleep through the night, she didn't seem deterred. And then she asked whether the boys were my only children.
It may have started when I noticed another family sitting near us had the same Sophie the Giraffe toy. Their daughter's toy was bright and squeaky. And our was, well,
not. Ours has been well-loved by three children now. And I said that to them. They hadn't asked, and they may have assumed that the third was just not with us last night, was somewhere else doing something else. They didn't ask, but I offered.
Three.
The lady behind us did ask. And although I felt awkward saying their sister had died, although I didn't want pity and I didn't want an uncomfortable pause, I also didn't want to dishonor my daughter.
We used to take her to music on the lawn concerts. She used to be the baby pulling up on my knees, bouncing to the beat, toes grazing summer soft grass. That baby flits around in my dreams and in my prayers, in the back of my mind, quiet but never gone.
6 comments:
After almost 17 years, I always say I HAVE a brother. I mention the fact that he died, but he's always with me. I have him in my heart and ever alive in my own three little boys. Please don't feel uncomfortable in saying you have Celia with you, because you do.
I used to feel uncomfortable and teary every time I mentioned Hadley but now I can mention her and include her without my voice wavering. It's funny but, of all the loss families I have connected with, whenever I see pictures of their family I always see that space where their lost one should be just as I see it in our own photos. Celia will always be in that space for you and I hope every chance you get to talk about her becomes more healing than it is painful.
Three
Three
Three
"quiet but never gone."
Death is no eraser
(no one knows better
than you do),
Cathy in Missouri
You do have 3 beautiful children, one is in Heaven. Celia is and always will be with you. If I was that lady by you, I would want to hear about Celia. Her story needs to be told.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Debi
no one ever plans for these moments. i value your heart, your honesty. i hope we meet the coming days at least as gracefully, having learned in some fashion from your words, your life.
I think you handled it perfectly. I can imagine how difficult it is when someone asks you that.
When are we going to grab that halfway coffee? ;)
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