10.07.2014

Insta #rearview

1.  at the carshow
2.  #gobucks
3.  afraid he'd miss the bus on the first day of school  #iamthebus
4.  Hayes for judge #realniceclambake
5.  Jack Hanna asked to sign Tolliver's shirt  #columbuszoo
6.  first haircut

7.  rock climbing at Wyman Woods
8.  #booksbrothers
9.  mums with mom
10.  chicken lollipops
11.  dinner at The Kitchen
12.  honeycrisp #lyndsfruitfarm
13.  grateful for lots of people who believe in a better world #bdsra
14.  scary plants at Franklin Park

15.  helping neighbors in need #bspcfarmersmarket
16.  soccer buddy
17.  picking pumpkins #circleS
18.  wet wagon ride via @ccoyle9777
19.  birthday party band practice #zaneisfour
20.  walking school bus

10.05.2014

Good Gourd

We planned to visit the pumpkin patch on Saturday, and although there was none in the forecast, we woke up to light rain.  We went anyway, and ended up having to hide from a hailstorm.  Eventually we made it onto the hayride and into the fields, without an actual pumpkin picking picture to show for it.
The boys rarely notice they're wet, or cold.  Or dirty.  They act as good reminders that I do not have to wish to make right what they may not even realize is wrong.  They happily climbed straw bale slides and navigated sunflower mazes, enjoyed searching for insects and eating fresh donuts with cousins.
^^^hard to believe this picture is from the same day, unedited

10.02.2014

A hint of worry and a taste of hope

Can I have an ice cream cone? he asked, eyeing me with a hint of worry and a taste of hope.
You do see the chocolate evidence of my response there at the edge of his lips, don't you?

10.01.2014

for all the I don't knows

I don’t know what I’m doing. Much of the time I’m relying on crossed fingers and gut instincts and memories of what my mother did before me.

I don't think it's unusual to feel all "I've totally got this, I'm a great mom." one minute and then "How the fuck am I going to do this?" the next.  I don't think it's uncommon for a mother to doubt her capabilities when she should be doubting her doubts.
For all the I don’t knows, there are a few times when I just do. Times I can identify something I am not totally screwing up. Those moments are few and far between. And I am not going to print myself any certificates of achievement or anything just yet. I know enough to know there’s still a lot I don’t know.

Like negotiating the politics of brotherhood, for example.  I feel like I have a few years ahead of me before I might even begin to figure that out.

9.29.2014

words without end

Before we leave the house he asks for his sunglasses.  He’s already wearing a watch, the one he wanted to put on right when he woke up.  It's so bright out here, he observes.  I need my sunglasses before I can go.
I believe his best accessory is still his smile.
He is a child of passionate convictions.  He tries to tell us about those convictions in the car and at meal time, when we're hurrying to get somewhere and when his brother is trying to tell us something too.  Especially when his brother is trying to tell us something.

Slurping noises come from the backseat as he explains that he's licking himself, trying to remove small spots in shades of gold and pink.  Because I'm trying to get my freckles off, he says.  You can watch me when you're done driving.  I'm licking my freckles and they taste like food.
Instead of watching, I wrote down what he said.

Mom, could a whale be my pet, a little tiny one? Please? he pleads.  He asks about this, lately, more often than most folks make small talk about the weather, often enough that a whale seems to be the only thing he wants more than his own big bowl of unlimited lollipops.

Resting on the bottom step by the back door, he shares a fish story.  Some people sit on the moon and fish.  With a fishing pole.  But they’re not fishing for fish, they’re trying to catch words. 
What kind of words, I wonder.
Big ones.  They catch big ones that are special.
I notice the hard "k"s in sharp contrast to the brush of his "sh"s.

Looking out the dining room window at some workers near the alley he asserts:  That's a tree eating truck.  It makes wood chips for people.  Those guys need to do all that work right now, before the rain turns on.

He has turned his life’s ambition from driving a dump truck toward capturing ghosts.  He runs through the house in his favorite fast orange jogging shorts, a lanyard belted tightly around his belly and a heart full of courage, yelling I have no fear, Mama!
I have no fear is his new anthem.  It goes well with his accessories.

9.28.2014