One Hand

On one hand, her disease leaves me disinclined to delve into the depths of anyone else's dreadful experience.  On the other hand, she gives me new sensitivity to what others are enduring, she makes me want to know everyone’s story, the worst parts and the saddest details.

Often I feel like I'm carrying around stones so heavy I wonder whether I'll ever be able to cast them away.  Stories from others who have felt the depths of humanity reduce sorrow's weight ever so slightly.  Empathy feels somehow less heavy, makes my heart feel huge and open.  The exchange of anguish and despair and loss is rewarded with the gifts of perspective and strength and love. 

Watching my child die is not the method I would have chosen to verify this supposition. But when I converse with others about their heartache, their tales become a reminder of a wider life, a life I may not have paid enough attention to before.  So I listen with all of my might, I listen with sympathy and I listen with gratitude.  And although my hands feel full with my own problems, my fingers want to grab on to theirs.

JEB

Bubbles

He blows fresh wind into the sagging sails of our days.  And he blows bubbles.

JEB

Gonna Be A Bright

Not even yet seven am, and he's already illuminating the day with goodness.

JEB

Mama Bear

I am ferociously attached to my little cubs.
The mother in me -- the one in charge of manners and menus, the giver of baths and the keeper of clean socks -- rarely gets to hibernate. 
I knew, before they arrived, that raising them would raise questions, but I didn't bargain for the wild territory of the ones we've faced.
My instinct, with a bone-crushing fierceness, is to protect her.  To promise him tomorrow.  And I can't.
But I am grateful for our time together in the den today...

JEB

Post Edit: Oh dear.  Jenni has no idea that this could be misconstrued to be at all connected to polebrity Sarah Palin's recent "Mama Grizzlies"comments. While my wife is a fierce protector of our cubs, she doesn't spend any of her precious free time watching fair and balanced Fox News. 
Andy

TB Test

It's multiple choice.  And there are no wrong answers.

JEB

Time Machine

(Reader warning - Andy's blog posts are not clever and may be poorly written)

If you had a time machine would you go forward or back?
When you work in health care, patient interactions may become scripted.  One of the last things I say to my patients when I am wrapping up an exam is always "Is there anything I can do for you to make you more comfortable?"  If I've done my job they don't ask for more pain medicine so they always ask for one of two things. A: a million dollars, or B:  that I undo the traumatic incident that landed them in my care.  It's like we are reading from the same bad script!  Laughter is good medicine though, so I go to my snappy one-liner: "I'll let you try out my time machine as soon as it is finished."  Ha, ha, ha.  Believe me, after 6 years I gag a little every time I say it... but it still works.
I've been guilty of saying to Jenni that I wish I had a time machine.  Once, after I mumbled about it, she asked me if would I go forward or backward.  Picture me with a blank stare and my mouth slightly agape.  I had never thought that far myself.  Here is what I decided:
When I really think about it I would never want to undo Celia.  She has changed me.  Not all in a good way, but changed me deeply nonetheless, and mostly for the better.  Some days I don't like who I am. And a lot of that has to do with the cards we have been dealt.  Go back in time and don't have Celia, problem solved, right?  But I look forward to the man I will become.  I would choose to go forward, and probably not even very far.  I can't hurt any more than I have, than I do.  I can't miss her any more.  The Celia she was is already gone.  Besides, to go back in time now would take away the greatest thing I have ever been a part of, this family of four.

Celia gives our yesterdays memories and Tucker gives our tomorrows dreams.

Andy

Post edit:  Andy doesn't give himself enough credit.  I'm glad my future is with him.  JEB

Ours

She has maneuvered her way into a multitude of hearts.

It's taken me awhile, the idea forming in the manner of a pearl, to recognize the extent of her sharedness.  As cards and letters arrive at our address, as far away church bulletins that list her name accumulate, as her hands are held and as whispers fall into her ears and as laps don't want to give her up, the idea has been grinding slowly into my mind.  There have been so many people who have, in so many ways, helped smooth over some of the irritation.  People not just guiltily fascinated by the magnitude of her suffering, but who steal some of it away, leaving luster in its wake. 
We've alluded to the idea before -- we understand that she is not ours.  But this realization is different, this idea that she belongs, in some way, to so many people who seem to love her deeply.  We feel very fortunate to share Celia with all of the people who have ended up caring about her, our baby, a gem.  So are each of you who love her, too.

JEB