Standing Around

In December, Tucker practiced this a lot.

Unwrapped

Buried beneath wrapping paper and ribbons, behind the faux white beard and mounds of mashed potatoes, in the midst of bowl games and interstate travel, is Christmas. Not the shiny, consumer version that encourages hopes to climb high, but the pure, sacred holiday that counters contentedness can reign.  Although this season hasn’t felt as merry and bright as we wish it could, we were reminded that excitement and gratitude are not meant to be reserved only for packages under the tree, but for the gifts of family and of love, all year long. 

Due to the complexity of Celia’s care, we’ve gotten to know family better, those who have filled in as second and third and fourth fathers and fifth and sixth mothers. We’ve needed to depend on family more than ever, and we’re grateful for their willingness to help and that our relationships with them have grown.
We weren't fully aware of the extent of our support system until tragedy struck. Since then we've been upheld by friends, their sturdy scaffolding shoring up our emotions and bolstering our moods, many even in the midst of their own ups and downs and losses and pains.
Our marriage has been strengthened, because we’ve been forced to communicate about difficult subjects, to be honest and to trust. We’ve had the for better, we've had the for worse, and we have each other.  We’ve gained the ability to laugh at the absurdities of our life when tears are the only alternative.

It comes in unexpected packaging and without gift receipts, but when we peel back the sorrow and discard the anger, when we toss the worry and expose what's left, we can find almost as much joy and beauty in the holiday season as there was in her.  And, we can try to trust the return policy.

JEB

* Thanks to Great Aunts Sally and Angie for catching a Christmas smile.

Santa Baby

Evergreen

We can’t lose our hope and our happiness with her, all at once.
He renews us, and helps us hang on to some of all three.

JEB

Seeing Red

Lately, I've been feeling angry. I understand that it's normal, part of the process, another expression of grief. There’s a lot to be mad about, but it’s not easy to be angry.  Sad felt better, easier, a tad more familiar.  Sad seemed organic, able to dissolve quietly and on its own.  Anger just sits, savage and intractable.  I hope eventually the feeling will subside, that I won't be angry forever.  But right now, I am.

It's the railing against fate kind of anger, the kind that asks Why us? and Why her?.  It's the kind of anger that makes me want to lash out, to cast unwarranted blame. It's the kind that lies dormant until a catalog arrives in the mail - taunting toys and teasing traditions - and the folly of my expectations, the failure of my dreams, arrives along with it.  It's the kind that's triggered by well-meaning comments, words I've likely misinterpreted, that get tangled up with jealousy and yearning.  The kind that cycles and worsens as I feel angry with myself for feeling angry.  It's the kind of anger that makes me feel like I'm all buttons, and they're all pushed.  The kind of anger that is divorced from anything specific but connected to everything in general.  The kind that swallows me up whole and distracts me from important things.  The kind of anger that leaves me feeling utterly exhausted.

Being not so well-acquainted with anger, I'm not sure what to do.  But I do feel like I better apologize upfront, make a blanket statement to everyone I see or speak to.  I’m afraid, all too often, my emotions are misdirected, the worst ones are shared with the people I love the most.  And I'm sorry.
Anger doesn't mesh well with the season.  I know.  But this isn't how a two-year-old's visit with the man in red is supposed to go.

JEB

Dark Chocolate Peppermint

I wasn't sure that Jeni's Splendid Ice Cream left any room for improvement. 
But I've discovered that it tastes even better shared.

JEB

Baby, It's Cold Outside

And we've tried to freeze these fleeting days with some photographs by the fireplace in cozy Christmas PJs...

 

JEB