Tied Up

Today has been filled with unimportance disguised as urgency, with picking up blocks and wiping down high chair trays.  Today will continue to be filled with the familiar repetition of necessary business, folding laundry and reading board books and serving meals.  Even things on the to-do list that I should cherish - nursing the baby and cuddling the big girl - aren't easy to appreciate when they're scheduled in the midst of all the other non-stop non-stoppedness.  At night I climb under the covers knowing it will all need to be done again tomorrow.  Knowing I'll be lucky if I get to do it all again.
There are days when I mother with all my strength and can muster none to do anything more.  I am not afraid to admit that I don't love every minute of mothering, that there can be a bit of drudgery in motherhood, in the same-as-yesterday toiling.  Sometimes being a mother ties me into knots instead of tying me to the people I love.  And I realize that I can love my children with all of my heart, but not with all of my time.  I feel a twang of guilt, but sometimes I need to get away.  A trip to the post office can feel like an escape.  I take my time, hope for a line, drive home slowly so I can cry in the car... 
Today is only half spent, but I know that tonight I will collapse on the bed with typical exhaustion.  And I'll look forward to another day, really I will, grateful to untie the strings tomorrow's wrapped up in.  And also, if I'm being honest, to a reason to get out for a bit.



Kate said...

Come get out with me Friday. For a movie date! Love you.

Melissa said...

eloquent and so very true. i know that feeling, knowing you should cherish each minute not knowing what is to come, but wanting go cry in the meijer parking lot and take an hour just to get the milk.

maybe you really should go to the midnight showing of new moon tomorrow, alone if necessary.

you know it's been one of those days when you are plotting, "maybe I should go to the store just for the Mr. Clean tonight." I mean, I really need some Mr. Clean, and I think it would be a good idea if I went and got it all by myself.

As always my mother's heart aches for you, and my woman's will admires your courage.

Anonymous said...

This is all so true and so well said.

rht said...

We want some Tucker time whenever the movie date works!

AmyR said...

I'm sending you some extra "mom strength" today, Jenni, and loving you for being you.

Debi said...

I found your blog last weekend and have been praying for you and your family and beautiful Celia. She totally stole my heart the second I saw her.
It is so hard to know what to say. so I have been silent until now. I just want to let you know that while nothing I could say could change things in your difficult circumstances, my heart and thoughts and prayers are with you in this journey.
I am praying for a soon cure for Battens and for God's grace and strength and daity hope to cover and fill you.
I hope that you do get a break from it all at least for a few hours. It can renew your perspective.
Love and hugs and prayers,

Amy said...

Here's to getting out and to having two beautiful children to come home to, when you're ready.