Seeing Red

Lately, I've been feeling angry. I understand that it's normal, part of the process, another expression of grief. There’s a lot to be mad about, but it’s not easy to be angry.  Sad felt better, easier, a tad more familiar.  Sad seemed organic, able to dissolve quietly and on its own.  Anger just sits, savage and intractable.  I hope eventually the feeling will subside, that I won't be angry forever.  But right now, I am.
It's the railing against fate kind of anger, the kind that asks Why us? and Why her?.  It's the kind of anger that makes me want to lash out, to cast unwarranted blame. It's the kind that lies dormant until a catalog arrives in the mail - taunting toys and teasing traditions - and the folly of my expectations, the failure of my dreams, arrives along with it.  It's the kind that's triggered by well-meaning comments, words I've likely misinterpreted, that get tangled up with jealousy and yearning.  The kind that cycles and worsens as I feel angry with myself for feeling angry.  It's the kind of anger that makes me feel like I'm all buttons, and they're all pushed.  The kind of anger that is divorced from anything specific but connected to everything in general.  The kind that swallows me up whole and distracts me from important things.  The kind of anger that leaves me feeling utterly exhausted.
Being not so well-acquainted with anger, I'm not sure what to do.  But I do feel like I better apologize upfront, make a blanket statement to everyone I see or speak to.  I’m afraid, all too often, my emotions are misdirected, the worst ones are shared with the people I love the most.  And I'm sorry.
Anger doesn't mesh well with the season.  I know.  But this isn't how a two-year-old's visit with the man in red is supposed to go.



Melissa said...

anger is perfectly acceptable and appropriate, feel what you need/want to feel. scream at me if I deserve it or don't, i made a choice to be here for you however i could, and that includes getting yelled at for being alive. i'll still be here when you are done, even if done isn't for 15 years or more.

Debi said...

It is so hard. You have a right to feel anger. I am angry too. It is not right to see the life of your precious child taken. Batten is a horrible disease that needs to be erased from the face of the earth, never to touch a child again.
I only wish that there was a way for me to take some of the pain and hurt that you are feeling.
Know that my heart and thoughts and prayers are with you, Celia and your family daily.

I pray for moments of joy and "normalcy" and that only the memories of the sweetest joys would remain with you. I pray for your daily strength and for hope to fill you.
Love and hugs and prayers,

Beth Ann said...

Oh Jenni if I had a Weezer (from Steel Magnolias) for you to hit until someone else hurt as badly as you do I'd send her over.

Please know you don't have to hide your anger. No one will ever mistake the anger you express for you.

The Wendels said...

I'll volunteer to be your punching bag and then I'll love you even more the next day.

from the royal fortress meadow said...

I like a hammer, a block of wood and a lot of nails. The pounding is somehow satisfying.
(one of Andy's cousins)

Christy said...


Poppy John said...

Jenni Baby,
It's OK to be angry. If it helps,
be angry at ME sometimes...
Grandma Sandy is All of the time.

P.S. You are such a wonderful daughter, sister, teacher, wife, mother, etc...and you are loved by so many...and Batten's makes us all angry.