1.11.2012

'Cause we've had a Batten day

It's difficult to articulate the complexities of death in slow motion. 
It's harder to watch it happen.
There are these jagged days, the kind that leave me emotionally gutted, when any semblance of a composed exterior cracks open to reveal the entire bewildering ordeal.
I know I am entitled to anger, but I feel like it's a disgrace to grasp at it.
I know one of the greatest gifts I can give myself through grief is permission to be where I am, to feel what I feel, to live without frustration or judgment.  
I want my shoulders to relax 'cause they’re riding really high.  I want to have these feelings, but I don’t want to let them have me. 
JEB

6 comments:

Christy said...

Be gracious to yourself, my friend.

Poppy John said...

Jenni Baby,

Your post rips my heart out...but, I'm so proud of the strength that you and Andy display.

L2A5 (and Christy's family, too)

Joyce Donahue said...

Jenni & Andy
I hope you can feel our arms and love wrapped around your whole family.

Groves said...

Our specifics are different, but so much of what you write here resonates. I sent some of your posts to my Mother, and she wanted to know how you so perfectly put into words what we feel.

Because you are living it.

I know, also - the anger...it comes and it hovers, but it doesn't satisfy. I wish that stopped it from surfacing, but I do battle in that arena more than I want.

And I do battle on your behalf, too (in my head) because I hate a disease that does this to a child. To Your Child.

Oh, Celia. I pray for you and for your family with a heart broken in some familiar ways. You help me keep going, but it isn't worth the price. I wish I could take it and leave you free.

Here with tears,

Cathy in Missouri

Maggie said...

Poppy John and Cathy say it much better than I can.

The other day one of my boys tried to cheat in a game. I said, "Hey, no playing dirty!" He asked what that meant. I explained that this was just a phrase that means you shouldn't be unfair or mean; you shouldn't do something that you know is wrong.

Here are some other definitions of "dirty" from the free online dictionary:
-unethical
-not sportsmanlike
-unpleasant
-extremely unfortunate; thankless
-stormy; rough

Batten sure does play dirty.

Groves said...

Oh, Maggie, I think you said it perfectly.

Batten sure does play dirty.

Understatement.

Cathy in Missouri